happiness

(10 Oct 200) I am in Bali. Back to the island of dreams after more than three years of absence. It is a beautiful evening that I start to write this post. I was out in the surf today. The waves weren’t that good, closing out and wiping me out making me feel like drown, but still it is great to be in the water again, catch up with the swell from far out in the oceans, to feel the elements – it is great to just be.

strip of beach at Padma viewing down to Kuta Bay

A few days ago the first impression on the evening I had arrived was actually rather negative. For the first time, the “overdevelopment“ of Kuta and Legian seemed being too much for me. Upon my nightly stroll people were offering me drugs and girls on the street and I saw how complicated this tourist hot-spot ticks. Actually, it has always been like this and I knew it, but somehow it disturbed me this time, as it would happen here much less decent than for instance in Vietnam, maybe even Thailand taking in consideration specifically the touts. I had probably forgotten that. Further, I have suddenly felt kind of set-back. After years of being used to being seen as an expatriate suddenly having to cope with the role of a tourist - that means different questions, dual pricing system, and less depth even in superficial small talk due to meanwhile having forgotten much of my Indonesian. So the island did not feel home to me right from the beginning, as it once did when I was staying for half a year. But day by day I started getting used to it again. Finally I like the place almost as much as before. Maybe my view simply became a bit more realistic, which is only good.

The week was too short to really experience all aspects that had made life what it was the three years ago. Anyhow I will be back, the sooner better than the later. And if for work it will be better than for travel. The guys on my spot on the beach are still the same ones as years ago – at least for a part. They remembered my name which impressed me, while I had to ask for some of their names. Interestingly it made me again have my feeling confirmed how the people here are interacting very much on a more personal level than at many other places, even on the tourist beach. I have again made such nice encounters. People were so kind, so warm-hearted, often I could hardly believe it. At the beach-inn I got my old room and the guys knew my name and remembered all details. I was touched.

Still, there is actually a little conflict that I generally prefer the down-to-earth Kuta beach with cheap pricing and non-existence of any almost-dress-codes, but socially I would prefer a rather upscale spot with a different clientele than the Kuta crowds. Upscale not in terms of show-off but of more interesting people. Surfing professors and sunbathing artists. But does this exist though?

For reasons of convenience, being used to it, easy waves and walking distance to my favourite beach-inn I spend those days on Kuta Beach. The evenings then are reserved in order to meet friends and interesting people. I had met back Lesna, and it was nice to see that she seems to be happy with what she is doing. “Best friends” meanwhile works out well for us, which is great. All the old crew was there at the new restaurant that our “sister” Ani has just opened and we got drunk while realizing that we all know each other for quite a long time. When I remember these old black and white photographs with that South-Pacific feel…those old days in Bali were wonderful. A time of drifting, without sorrows, maybe better than the striving of today.

I had a nice dinner at Tekor Bali with Sieska, a first-met friend from the internet. It was a kind of experiment, but I had a good feeling with her. The dinner was really delicious and I had a pleasant evening talking about all one needs to say to learn more about each other. I am sure would be live closer to each others we could be good friends. She, her family and her circle of friends from Singapore seems to be a pleasant crowd.

Then there was the night out with Armoni and friend, and later then Landri and her crew at The Living Room in the posh area of Seminyak. There I met Ilsa and Yena and we had continued the party at the 24-hours Laota Chinese Restaurant (I remember there was a similar story years ago) and then in their impressive villas. Only at sunrise the party should be over. Ilsa has become a good friend with whom I have spent sleepless nights and lazy days in her cosy house in my favourite area, Kerobokan. She treated me well, cooked pasta for me and drove me around for meeting people from the business. It was such a nice time, and I don’t know how to thank her for all.

While in Vietnam it was always not so easy to make local friends who really fit, here is had always been easier somehow, and it seems much more to be about real friendship without asymmetric advantages or anything like this. No strategic thoughts behind all that. Just be with each other, share thoughts and ideas, share presence and being. I will see her and all others again upon my next trip here and possibly many more people too.

There was a nice dinner with Lutz from the project in Hanoi, Landri, and some of their friends out in Padang Padang. Apart from this being interesting people with impressive backgrounds and possibly good contacts for a future engagement in Indonesia, I had also had a meeting with a company on the island which is quite “hot” for me. A big dream would come true in case there would once be an opportunity working for them on the island or throughout the archipelago.

Back from the beach I have just had a hot shower with view on the palm trees turning yellowish form the light of the sunset. Enjoying the garden and birds singing while applying Aloe Vera cream to treat the burn from the intense sun out in the surf. The lush space in front of my terrace is just quiet, peaceful. I am back to the imagined and at the same time very virtual paradise. The constructed aesthetics of a jet-set-like lifestyle are gained back for a week. And it makes me happy. It is very material, but it is good.

“Let the music play”

Finally I am sitting in a Singapore Airlines 747 jet on the way to Frankfurt. My fellow countrymen are already pissing me off through the negative aura they seem to carry around. Wonderful flight attendants again in Kebayas, but they are today too close to the reality of the autumn back home, of the tasks I have to do at places that got unfamiliar with me, that are lacking the spiritual energy of for instance Bali, and at least even the smile that one is still given everywhere in more hostile Vietnam. And suddenly some sorrows are back. As soon as the island has been left behind, I start to think of Hang and miss the baby. I got to be strong now, and keep my life under control, keep the freedom and the relaxation that I had lost in the last years and further prevent from creating a situation that has so far not led too far.

Too early to definitely say, but it seems I have gained some dreams back. I have learnt that making them come true will require more action than ever before taken. And I have fuelled much energy and drive to hurry with Germany, work out all negative with a clear mind, be happy with what I have and play the game to see whether I can get more. I always knew that I can create a better world with my own two hands, first for myself, then for others. Vietnam will be an option, but Bali will again be and more than ever before remain the place to be.

decisions

(07 Oct 2009) The first weeks in Germany were very relaxing compared to the time in Vietnam. I have much enjoyed our quiet upper middle-class neighbourhood which is – in comparison to a lower-average hood of Ho Chi Minh City – quite luxury. Jogging in the green fields and forests around it while breathing fresh air made sport kind of fun and becoming a compensatory experience again. The affordability of cars and comfort of using such one. The quality and hygiene of food. Many of the amenities and convenient services that are on offer in Germany. All this had to be missed and rediscovered until one could really appreciate it. We do really have everything here and life is good.

transit personality in search of reflections – where to belong to: peaceful and quiet Germany or complicated but lively Asia?

But still, it is not without disadvantages compared to the life in the developing world in Asia. Upon my first encounters with people in public spaces I had several times smiled at them, quickly realizing that this caused irritation. Meanwhile I don’t smile anymore. Despite living a comfortable life, so many people here seem uneasy to me, unhappy. Maybe it is the achievements we have gained, that made us Germans that much analytical, exact and demanding, that for many people it becomes hard to enjoy simple things and take all easier. Instead, it seems to me that there is quite a portion of mental depression in within this wealthy society.

The purpose of my stay was primarily the thesis, but as always, I have taken up much too work and several freelance assignments parallel, so that everything is slowing down again. Yet, I would like to be in a regular employment starting from the first quarter of 2010. Regarding this employment and also regarding life in general and the place of life for the coming years, several decisions will have to be made. Continuing the career and now having to give it a direction, the question of what factors exactly constitute a good life arises once more.

Until now, life has taken place very much between the worlds. In the past it was always somehow between work and leisure, academics and business, profit and philanthropic, family and single, developing world and developed world, East and West, aiming to become rich and wanting a simple life and maybe some more contrasts. It will now be time to make important decisions.

Those decisions will be on an industry, on a location and on the lifestyle. Regarding work content, Germany is probably the best place to be. Businesses are working on an advanced level and there will be interesting positions. However, as mentioned above, regarding life, Asia might still be the better place. As work is for life and not life for work, I would tend to Asia. Yet, another consideration has to be made on the lifestyle and the living standard. The ‘real’ expat-jobs with a huge package of benefits have become rare. With 31 one starts to consider issues of social insurance and pension fund. So for this, Germany, Europe, or lets say the developed world, might again be the better choice. But if one wants to become an entrepreneur as well, then the emerging markets of the Far East might be the right choice. So what to do? As a single I would not have to think about it too much, and would probably go for the lifestyle choice and thus Asia. with family it is another story.

from Germany to Vietnam – at Changi Airport in Singapore: keep on the adventurous but slippery challenge of building a life on playground on far off shores somewhere the big wild world?

Big cities in Asia offer the best job opportunities but also the worst pollution, most dangerous traffic and other inconvenience. Aiming to balance them life become as expensive as Europe. So making it the way I had done it before, and seeing such places as a stepping stone to what I really want might not necessarily be the best way. Possibly it might be better just to go where I want to be and start over there.

A visit to Aachen for our “Jungesellenabend” - Dave during his preparations for the wedding

another revival with Rich at the Mc Donald’s in NR’s commercial zone – despite anticipated constraints the Global System works well

This month’s short stint to Vietnam (and later Bali) again showed that the family option turns out to be unmanageable due to lacking commitment of Hang, her social environment and due to massive complications in her mental condition. My week in Saigon made me learn that I have almost given up, that there has already been too much trouble in the past to make the harmonious life that I would expect from living with a family possible. Since several years I am investing so much, but I see no gain. Just punches back. It was the first time I came to Vietnam that everything seemed strange to me. I thought that this is not my house, not my family, not my life. I was caught up in negative thoughts that showed me that I have not yet forgotten all what has happened and it became harder than ever before to accept it. I have difficulties coping with all it. So we have postponed all personal decisions on this future. The time in Germany except from the thesis was meant to have some distance. In fact, we did not have enough of this. We had been doing the visa stuff and after that was denied I went to Ho Chi Minh straight away. I still hate those guys on the consulate. Possibly with another decision, all would have ended up in a different result. Maybe not. Who knows.

scene with students on Mid Autumn Festival at Duc Ba Cathedral

Anyhow, I will now really take care for myself now and Hang will do so as well. I have no idea how this shall be and do not want to think about it. It all drives me mad. I just know that from now on I will need to take place on the drivers seat again in order not to further destroy my own life and future. And hard as it sounds, I will not give priority to that family anymore. I will give priority to job opportunities and my own lifestyle now. I have given all up for them and there is not enough commitment from their side for me to maintain these efforts. I will chose a job and a place to life that I like. I will sometimes afford some luxury again. And I will maybe sniff a bit of jet-set air again. Right at this moment in am sitting in the plane to Bali. There will be one week of surf, sun and meeting friends and simple life on my island of dreams. It will be meeting old and possibly new friends. Enjoying life again, finally, after several years of destruction and trouble. It was again a sad goodbye at the airport in Saigon today. More than ever before I felt so sorry for Hang; to leave her behind; in an environment that does not match her very needs. But she has to learn. I cannot be the policeman of her life, solving all problems that are caused by her, her past, her family or whatever it causes. She has had enough support from my side and should be able to take action in a way that improves her own situation.

So before loosing myself, as I had done before, I will now have to take myself in the first line again. I guess that at the beginning of 2010 I will be back in Asia. And probably it will be Vietnam. Then we can see further, if it all might still make sense. But it would not be continuing the now, it would be a new start. Because the now is over. Last time departing, in June, I thought there is something more important than freedom – love. And for sure there is. But if love destroys all of the freedom, all relaxation and joy, then this love cannot be more important than the pure freedom of it. The two feelings have to complement each other in a relationship. Only in this way, the kind of life that we have started can be lived. In this way we can give each other love and freedom and live a peaceful life with each other, relaxed and good. Otherwise we would lose both, the feelings and even more each other. That is what is happening. It makes me sad. But I need to be hard to myself now.

Hang and Paul Thien Phu at the park at Pham Ngu Lao