The short summer that I should stay in Germany finally lets me keep in mind the nice city of Bonn as a bad remembrance. This summer was the emptiest summer I ever had. It was a summer with much rain, clouds and storms. A time filled with boring work and stupefying learning.
grey skies and boring days at the dorm
Before, I had always loved university. But it had rather been the discussions, writing papers or presenting new issues to the class. It had never been utterly learning. I had always hated tests and examinations. This year the pressure made me ill, sad, panicking. My room became a prison cell in social isolation, the library a grey factory and the classroom finally became the court for an appeals procedure - the final exam. The silence at these places made me depressive. It was a lonely time of working and learning, doing duties that have little to do with the creative and less directed way of work I would like to pursue. I was wishing to spend more time with friends, and instead I learnt that friendships also suffer from my permanent absence from this country and any leisure time activities here. I don’t know what it was exactly that might be further reasons for this bad time. Was it being in Germany, was it being back to university, was it the room, was it the work, the exam or other reasons? Whatever it was, it did not only catch me. Dr. Scharfsinn, my fellow at university, and me, we were both totally out of balance these months. That led to pushing away the learning. The lack of motivation led to a lack of time, which again led to nightshifts. Finally we even knew too much. The exam was on Friday, 13th. I was so nervous that I tried to write all I was able to write until I realized that I was wasting time and was in danger to sled past the question. Now, the task that we have been fearing for five years is accomplished. I do not yet have the result and I don’t know how it is. I am not really satisfied with what I wrote. But I believe we have done it at least ok.
bothering people on the telephone doing my second side job
stupefiyng information gathering for our final exam
The last months can be seen as interesting experience. Being so much under pressure, feeling like being robbed all leisure time and freedom, going through this tunnel. I saw how much lack of control and confidence can arise. Reading this book on meditation by a Buddhist Monk from Thailand teaches me that control, self-awareness and power-within are important qualities to practise for future challenges.
the Hofgarten park at university – coffee to go and fresh air as the daily highlight
All the time I was wishing to have a relaxed evening with my few friends, all the time I was missing Thuy Hang and could not await to hold her in my arms. I was missing home and spending time with my family. Missing things that in past times I used to do much more, like cycling, staying at home, doing nothing, shopping, cooking, talking all night with close friend or even going out. Having accomplished the exam I am a bit more flexible now and things like what I have been missing are possible again…
