winter

It is the first winter in four years that I am experiencing back in Europe. And I would not mind it being the last winter here. Actually, the autumn days were beautiful, varying foggy mornings with sunny afternoons. The air became clear and cool, the leaves began turning golden and falling to the ground. A scenario I hadn’t seen for quite a long time. It is like having already forgotten, and then being reminded those old autumn-day atmosphere, moods and smells. However now, the trees are already naked. The lack of daylight turns me depressive. The low temperatures are uninviting with regards of any outdoor activities. Fortunately climate-change has kept them on a healthy level for jogging until recently. “Christ Child is baking cookies” we say in Germany when the clouds turn reddish after short winter days.

These days we have the first snow. People seem to be happy about it. I am not. Soon is Christmas and New Year and I wish I could skip it like in Asia the years before. Not sure whether it was a mistake to work that much for nothing, change the topic and finally doing such an extensive survey for my thesis. It will keep me busy until spring. And is hard to be here, back in Germany. Despite my young years I already have the feeling I can’t live here anymore. My circle of friends is in Asia, and part of my family, too. I miss everybody and all so much. Won’t be able to enjoy the turn of the year. Even though I can spend Christmas with my parents, it will be a very sad one. I feel lonely. And I would not have imagined, that after a difficult time in Vietnam which I had thought to be hard, this winter would finally become the hardest time in my life ever. Luckily there is progress now, I have learnt already much on forms of sustainable tourism, and I will be able to shorten this winter: flights are booked and I will do my surveys on Bali in January and February. Back to paradise faster than ever imagined. It won’t be for pleasure and I am really dependent on this project hopefully running well. But just being there will be inspiring. It will be refuelling light. And for sure there will be some early mornings or late afternoons for a little surf to relax from work done. Back in March it will then be Germany again for a last short examination. And hopefully in April I can be in Vietnam again for a regular job, finalizing the last pages of the thesis, and for becoming involved with several ideas on building a future.

I can see beyond the borders of here
And I know there´s more for me
I´m not afraid to face what they fear
If it means I can be free
Discourage me if you think you can
But I won´t stop till I´m out of here
Yeah I just don´t give a damn
Not afraid to face what they fear

(Xavier Naidoo)