Good bye đồng chí

What brought us to Bali? Vietnam was somehow a kind of second big chapter in life after a long "German" period comprising childhood, youth and student-time, towards the latter mixed with extensive travel. The life-phase starting in 2007 meant a kind of entry from innocent youth into adulthood, also a career entry and in addition, the experience of a new, second home. I have always loved and hated this place at the same time. From the first moment I put a foot on the ground in Hanoi many years ago upon my first trip to Vietnam I somehow already knew that this would never be a comforting place to me. But it was supposed to be probably the most important mission in my life, and thus I compromised on it and befriended the place. But after many years, I grew tired of the place, and I was never able to change enough and to be tolerant enough, to just accept the way things were. So by the end of 2012 I had enough. I wasn’t leaving in frustration or so, no, I probably I was more in love with the country than ever before, and it was hard to let go. But I knew I needed something new.          

For the past five years or so, what everyday life was about for most of the people I met here was simply always something that didn't interest me much. The conservativeness and at the same time the double standard of many of the more settled people and the immature nature of the narcissism of the more dynamic milieus, both, always annoyed me. Many things that I observed on daily basis just drove me mad, and made me think that this is not an environment which I am supposed to surround myself with. Life here often plays in the public, and the streets are the places that often display cultural standards of which there were many I disliked to the maximum one could imagine. All those habits, which to this extent I had only experienced in this particular country, and so far, at no other place in the world or in Southeast Asia, and that, reviewing my studies, let me draw a cultural demarcation line between Southeast Asia and East Asia along the Vietnamese-Laotian and the Vietnamese-Cambodian borders. I realized that I ended up not in the Southeast Asia that I had fallen in love with years ago backpacking through South Thailand, with its warmth and Buddhist-inspired spirituality but in a colder and less friendly Confucian East Asia, which was surprisingly different from the other countries in the region that I had meanwhile gotten to know, such as Cambodia, Thailand or Indonesia; full-stop after a long sentence.

And living in Vietnam I began to develop doubts about my own compatibility with Confucian societies, the "Asian Values", with developing countries that develop too fast, with their brutal materialistic new unconnected middle- and upper-classes, their often nice but as often un-educated and reckless as their counter-part under-classes (watch the movie Cyclo which expresses much of the feeling and the circumstances well, I believe), and the differences and gaps created between those with, and those without, entitlements, finally leading to a kind of social Anomie (as Émile Durkheim defines the term) which I believe exists in Vietnam. One of our tour guides, when I was a bit down because of these issues, commented that he is "very worried about what is currently happening in our society". So at least in parts of the older generation this was felt, too, I thought. Older than him had probably seen worse, and many of the young enjoy the pro's of the change too much to be concerned much with the contra's.

The Asia that I had escaped to on a backpack, was a simple one (also there the beach huts have now been replaced by five-star hotels), and now I found myself in the same struggles about prestige and appreciation that I didn't need in European societies, and had to cope with -and the fact that these struggles were even multiplied here. That in daily life so little, not to say nothing, of what 'Uncle Ho' has taught, can be observed being put into practice, and that the whole society often seemed for all these reasons totally pathologic to me. I often enough couldn't help myself for daring to blame this society collectively for its shared nature of understanding and doing things the way they do, turbo-capitalistic, without humanity and ethics, and taken into consideration the idealistic images that are still kept up, totally schizophrenic. Asia became disenchanted. A backpacker romance was turned into a reality-check of the developing world. And the assumption of finding a simpler life evolved into the realization of having a more "phức tạp" one. The fact that the word “complicated” is used so extensively, that people like to use this word and seems to find something attractive about it, and that it has it’s very own meaning in Vietnam, teaches me that the reduplication of the circumstances going along with the description is something that people believe to be a necessity.      

If you think too much about all that, get too frustrated about all that, then you will start to see things negative all the time and everything you will perceive as ridiculous. It will be the case for all the many cultural standards that you observe on a daily basis.

I am not the only one reporting that coming to this country for the first time, one feels that people aren't very "friendly". I often felt people were just cold. I was annoyed also by the aggression levels in daily life, my many people's stubborn mind, by their fear of individualism, their disrespect of ownership, the greed in society, the superficiality, the “shortsightedness”, the blind turnover of material, food, plastic bags, waste, and even human lives that seemed to have no much value in this kind of society. That in the morning instead of greeting each other people would rather ask whether once had already eaten – I stopped understanding it as cultural code of the same action, but started getting annoyed that people have to start their day with questions about food; “no I’ve not yet eaten, but I am still good”, I would think.

The omnipresent fear of authorities or even the public ear, which was everywhere, and which would move all information heard right away to the respective mouth, to forward it to the next nearby gossip. Individual features that deviated from the mass were always a great trigger, and showed even kind of an incapability to accept individualism, possibly an expression of lacking freedom and certain ways of socialization and learning, in general, and also with regard to the reception of environment (also the natural one) and coping with it. What I hated was this abundance of conservative ideas and concepts of how “things have to be” One could speak of a conservatism so strong that it made me sometimes think people got a sticks in their ass. Ideologies had entered daily life, and went along with much intolerance and inflexibility. I also found that in this connection many people were just the perfect "doubleplusgood duckspeakers", speaking with Orwell's terms.

The carelessness and irresponsibility of so many people, that results from exactly the same as just mentioned causes, and their unwillingness to help if there is no advantage from it, especially when accidents occur, a case where helping would be a matter of course and good ethics, humanity in many other parts of the world – at least “where I came from”. The understanding that every slightest transaction between people is an economic one and this fundamental principle transferred even into the most intimate relationships, also being basis for founding families, is for me a sign of a very backward society. Maybe not yet long enough there was the chance to learn that life can be more beautiful than that, and in a restrictive society as that and a place in which rules are made by the old and may not be even questioned in favor of the new knowledge and experiences of the young, neither women nor men probably never had then chance to emancipate. Most hilarious were the keep-the-face gay marriages with a women, and I ask myself until now if the female counterparts were just stupid, desperate, accepting or lesbian. It evoked in me the feeling that it is organized to satisfy neighbors and parents and shows to me somehow just once again that the semblance is more important than the truth and that really just nothing is holy at this place. The general disrespect of life and of people taken simply as personalities, no matter what they have, are or do, or how they look like, and for there always being an excuse and very good reasons for hiding behind the "keep the face" principle if questioned openly, often made me sad, for those people, and myself.

The lack of education that children get, with mothers running behind them with food at early age and fathers later letting them be noisy anywhere drove me crazy. At Changi Airport you could tell from such scenes and a bunch of sexy girls with annoying tone on dubious trips where the gate for the Saigon-bound flight is located. It would be noisy and people would stand in your way as if they’d be the only ones in the world. Back to the uneducated kids: the rich ones being fed until they are fat. On the streets I was disgusted often enough by the blaring and fighting, which sounds more like chickens being slaughtered than people in conversation. When there were arguments between people (especially women, but not only) that was always an event where this could be observed - or heard. On the market such scenes emerged as well, about a sale that was taken over. The respect for the old then sometimes also disappeared and children joined-in with accusations and abusive terms. The society was kind of constantly over-heated.

What else did annoy me over the years? That people in good positions often believed to know everything better, while at the same time showing that they have not much clue about the world. Also that people liked to swagger (in German the term describing it best is: schwadronieren) and to share their knowledge and views too often also when they were not asked to do so. Not to speak of the arrogance and ignorance that went along with the speeches often. I also hated the patriotism and the historic trauma and resulting in a hatred of China that is reflected in everyday talk and in the negative media reports that build on un-reflected clichés and virtually seek the bad side of their country and society, while it is ignored the own country has just as much negative things to report on and that one should better start cleaning up in the own rows. Especially to foreigners like me this looks ridiculous, since the cultural features are so similar that there is no point to make negative comparisons that generalize, such as those that I am doing here. Culturally, I may say, it is right the same. I often liked to provoke in this respect, and it excited the little patriots that have never fought for their country more than possibly those who did long time ago.

Also disgusting are the "beer best-friendships" closed with red faces when performing the "national sport" shouting " một hai ba vào" (one two three, pour), with such enthusiasm that people rarely show uninfluenced by substances, and made them look like as if there was nothing else to life for. It made me not drink alcohol with locals. There was a great absence of features of kind of a "global culture" (good or bad) or just a superficial and mainly commercial scratch on it. But what's sure that at this stage the society, is everything but not cosmopolitan at all, and I take the liberty to claim that even 90% of those small milieu within it who believe to be, in fact truly aren't. Also Io hated the disinterest in people that was shown in connection with non-existent opportunities for transaction, shown such as through a hand-sign that everyone knows in the country, and which stands for "no" or "not available". Often people didn't bother at all to show bad moods. And I had the feeling that there is an absence of bliss in the society, and a lack or the absence of bliss in your society, the lack of spirituality.

People did rarely seem sensitive, or only in a receptive way, and not being able to another's perspective in an emphatic way. Others were over-sensitive, or rather over-careful not to say anything wrong or to make one loose face, so that any truthful communication was almost impossible. As long as to the outside all looks good, there was prosperity and happiness in this world. 

Young couples sitting in all the newly opened nouveau-riche style coffee shops sipping 80.000 Dong drinks while wiping their lacquered nails across the screens of their of their smartphones and pads. Facebook access often needed to be cracked. Not a free society. But that did not prevent many of daily fashion selfies, with preference shot in front of expensive furniture, branded shop fronts, luxury hotels, or in car seats (since cars are still a status symbol in the socialist republic).

Clothing and appearance added to it. I was recently standing at a check-in counter at Bali airport, and was reminded a sentence that a Thai girlfriend of friend in Hanoi recently had commented "They are all wearing shirts here". Yes, they have perfectly adapted what colonialism and possibly US conservatism has brought-in, and believe that this is now the standard, good style, and indeed believe that shirt, and only a shirt, trousers and leather shoes are neat, also on a beach holiday.

Even many of the most educated people had often at least a bit of that plastic-fashion-cheap-prostitute-style, whatever expensive money they have paid for their dresses and the heels that they could neither walk in nor were suitable for the streets. They were often wearing too tiny bras that squeezed their little tits out, and walking like cows on those high heels. So many girls in this country were constantly trying hard look fabulous all the time. Little did they do to let them look like people who have a big heart; to me, expressions of an unnatural and artificial society, a post-modern detached-ness of aspirations from the reality. I also hated the pack of paper tissues that they pulled out of their handbags once they started eating something, afraid of getting their fingers dirty. Then, they munched.

Also people like to clip their nails, squeeze out pimples using any motorbike's mirrors, pick noses and clean their ears just anywhere in public. Some people used cheap or heavy and sweet perfumes, that match well with the horrible soaps or chemical fragrance spays in cheaper hotels. I disliked shops for them believing that super-loud and extremely crappy techno music has a promotional effect on all kinds of goods. It's just another example for copied lifestyles without having understood them. Another funky phenomenon going along with increased living standards: new hobbies: how many people did I observe who bought big and expensive professional cameras just to shoot crappy pictures with them. On crossroads many people laughed or commented on my helmet while not understanding that what they are wearing is nothing much more than a rice bowl that won't protect them and doesn’t look stylish either. It reminded me of the narrow-mindedness of the common people on a daily basis, on the way to work and back home. I disliked the baby photos everywhere with the baby's penises displayed as a sign of success having delivered a male offspring to the family.

I was also annoyed by small issues such as phone behavior, people not introducing oneself first, and asking interrogation-style questions if you have the wrong person on the phone…which was probably due to the omnipresent inability no only to spell but also to note names and numbers.

I developed a disrespect for the culture and for how society works in this country, and this included its sick institutions: that the country is full of brothels, and that the “respected” elders are selling their daughters and sisters to wank-Cafes and blowjob-barbershops once money for school prevenient the men from drinking their beers. I was shocked by the sick way many men treat their women, for them getting married almost in arranged way, and for their weddings being so boring always the same, for them making too many children as if the planet had not enough and to have more resources to cover up for the own pension.

My values were freedom, love, health, sustainability, accountability, justice, critical thinking, spiritual interconnectedness, equality and the idea that there is enough for all to share and that individually and collectively we have to encourage for these ideals. But I saw them not being part of the values at the place I was living much. I was always thinking differently, and doing things differently. In an individualist society that is already not easy, and in a collective one it becomes more difficult even. But I know what I was doing was always right. I know I could trust my gut feeling and my heart in my judgements and my actions. I was a warrior of light in a dark zone. Rarely, I met friends on the way that encouraged me. But there were. There were several of them and I keep them on mind as very good people. Others did not care. And again others would discourage me. Many in fact. But they had no voice in my heart. And a few, not daring to comment much, still admired me for it, and those people encouraged me much. Because I knew that many people are caught up in the official versions of their societies, and do not yet dare to live for a change but they do desire and admire it. Someone from the respected and important people in the company, a quite conservative lady said to me: “some people here think you are strange, but they admire what you think and do”.

When you are at this point with a culture or a country, you do not reason to it, and you are unfair, and maybe also partly biased (I say partly because I still believe myself an in-depth understanding of the country and its culture and society). You get to a stage of the people that intercultural research classifies as the ones who cannot manage their culture shocks and become perpetual complainers. Friends have often told me not to complain, but to accept a place as it is. Some of them have never as deeply involved with the country and the people as I did. With others, I was wondering how they can just accept all, while they were privileged people that had no disadvantages form the factors that I was (actually less complaining [no one would fix them for me] but simply) brining up and criticizing. But yes, there were many notions of personal affectedness in there and for the time being and the situation there was not much way for living with it, but a more radical change was needed. At that point, was time to leave and start something new; it was time for a real change, for a new place, a new culture, a new challenge, a new job, a new lifestyle, something more harmonious, something healthier than the excessive life of a Asian mega-city in one of the fastest developing countries in the world.

I left on the 1^st of January. With the usual circus. Traffic chaos on the evening before due to millions attempting to watch the fireworks. Undone things at home. Unpaid bills (I still managed…), unsold motorbike (Hang sold it for me), and all the things that I could not finalize in time. Packing my things in my wonderful weird apartment in Thanh Da, arranging all the last meetings with friends and so on, sitting in the taxi on the way to the airport, I already knew that this is going to be a place to be much missed. Now that one leaves, one starts to appreciate things. The understanding of the Vietnamese that life is neither white nor black, their forgivingness, their seeking of contact and friendship, their adherence to rules, their respect for foreigners, which I find not necessary or good but which of course – one has to admit it – makes life easier, their sharing of ideas, the speed that can develop if people are in for an idea, the willingness to learn, and their being aware of the fact that there is much improve in the country, the society. Their way of dealing with things and their ability to virtually fix everything and find a hands-on solution for each problem. Also I want to emphasize that the general issues described here, are general, a generalization of observations and feelings that while painting a collective picture, shall not discredit for the many great people I have met in this county. Usually in such a tough place, the good people are even better than the good people elsewhere, where more things are for granted.         

And now that one is in a phase of transition, one sees more clear what was lost in the stress and unconscious life in the years. The immigration officer told me I should better stay in Vietnam with my knowledge and language skills and wished me e happy new year. I do not feel that I will miss this place much. It was an important part of me. It was the biggest mission in life and a battle field. It was love and hatred. It was the start of my professional career. It was a place where I had met many people, learnt small talk, made many friends, found a few close ones. Now I am leaving. And it is not an easy step. I am leaving a place that has become my second home. A place that I did not only hate but that I also loved. A place that I have become very familiar with. So familiar that people here do often not recognize me as a foreigner anymore, despite I am obviously a "Tây", a Westerner. Vietnam is very special, in many ways. It is a developing country, still suffering from the outcomes of long wars, it was colonialized by the French, it is an East Asian, Confucian country, and it is socialist, but de facto capitalist. There is probably nothing comparable to it. It brings together the past, the presence and the future like no other place.

And even the things that I hated so much and written down in detail here, need to be understood and to be seen in the wider context. I understand that but I needed to write it down in this diary here, just to have expressed it, and got rid of it. I know that with more tolerance and acceptance on my side all will be easier. I was always afraid too much of tolerance will be a sign of losing oneself and ones values. And yes, this is not what I want, and there were indeed fundamental value conflicts between my own convictions and the nature of society I found here. But for me and my family, there was also some space that brought us together. However, in Saigon it was too narrow, and that's why I have decided we will be moving on. I will never forget this place and the exciting time. It will always remain very special if not the most important place of my life, also if we do not know whether we will ever be moving back there or just taking it as what it currently is, our past, the place that brought us together. It will always remain my second home, my wife’s first home, and one of the homes of our now third-culture-kids. I was never comfortable with it, and then again so much comfortable, since it was a total escape for me from all that I had ever learnt and ever knew.