Becoming Aware

Upon our first trip to Bali together, this year for two weeks the past and the future became unimportant. It was a holiday, and the first real holiday in two yeas. Relaxing was the major purpose of it. I remember I had told colleagues I was in need for a holiday before departing from Saigon. I had a beer, which I usually don't drink, on the first afternoon of the stay. I checked my business e-mails rarely. It was having time for self and for us. It was also a search in favor of forgotten dreams. Bali this year was one of the simplest and most satisfying events. By far less spectacular than former stays here and travels elsewhere, but at least as memorable. It was one of the most inspiring trips done. The visions became not entirely clear, but I got reminded of the right directions to take. There was that PhD that wanted to be done; a book to be written; surfing to be practiced; a language to be learnt; new and different people to be met; a continued mission to be accomplished.

a crosshatching from Changi Airport, Singapore, for that day our gate to paradise

with Hang on the way to Denpasar

Bali this year brought much of insights, also understanding and awareness. First of all, there was the conference with the crème de la crème of researchers working on all kinds of matters concerning the island. This exclusive club of Baliologists turned out to be quite open and amicable. As if I had ever had doubts on that, I got strongly reminded on that this is actually the kind of people I would like to surround myself with, work with, learn from. And that I am much more interested in exploring new areas and ideas than doing a routing office job that only generates profits which on a universal level are highly unsustainable.

The Bali Seminar in 2012…

…held at Udayana University upon its 50^th anniversary

Distinguished speaker Prof. Henk Schulte-Nordholt holding a speech at the historic Bali Hotel

in Denpasar upon the district head's dinner reception

Another dinner reception at the historic site of Taman Ayun, major temple at the former kingdom of Mengwi…

…with interesting guests to talk to on the bus and during dinner…

…people who haven't stopped to live their dreams and always continues to follow their truly exotic interests - people to get inspired by.

A dance performance and the researchers' gaze.

I want to pursue research and the PhD, read, write and teach. I will find ways to combine the theoretical world with the applied one, and finance it all. I will also make my dream come true and build an enterprise in the way I imagine it should be in order to be good for me and for others. One becomes very comforted in an office job, in the tiny bit of safety it gives you, in a city one gets used to and working with the same people and doing the same things on evenings and weekends, even though they might not be much satisfying at all. One starts to postpone dreams, which is ok in case it is for a purpose or another mission, but one needs to be careful not to postpone them for too long, as there is the danger that they might become forgotten or remain only as unreachable ideals or wishes sparkling from an imagined place that seems impossible to reach.

The new rooms upstairs at the Komala, my old beach-inn on the island

The new hotel next door - too many large scale developments now in Kuta, and the last quiet corner in town with its coconut groves is quickly diminishing

Our first lunch at a restaurant at Benesari Street - Hang got a hat at local price, I got a cold Bintang

the new large beach walk in Kuta shocked me - everything is posh now, becoming

part of the corporate hegemony

Only in this context I just realized how much I have always been adapting in Vietnam despite my disagreement to so many things that make life there; and how inadaptable I finally remained, and disconnected I feel in this country. The reasons were several. Most important was a mission for my beloved; then, to get experience in tourism; then, to practice my second foreign language; then to get closer to Bali or Indonesia; then to challenge myself; then also a bit to enjoy this hedonistic place, where life is so easy in a way and one is the king at least in certain parts of society and daily life as a guy in my age and with my background. Rich had in one of our more or less regular skype sessions mentioned - or warned - that I am stagnating in mediocrity. He is so right.

Tourists playing with monkeys at the Uluwatu temple

So now, with just another proposal for taking a position in Bali that I had recently (for the third or so time) received in mind, I started to prepare myself to move over. Later, once all was prepared, I could still move on to Australia for the purpose of further studying. I would need to find ways of how to be able to still take care for Hang and the kids. "Love can solve everything", my friend Putu once wrote to me in an e-mail. However, I had wondered often and now again whether possibly there might be enough of it from both of us to solve the huge gaps between us. After believing for many years that those can be closed, it was now for the first time that I realize how big they are, and that it is not only gaps in wealth, knowledge or experience, but more discrepancies in the world view we have, in our attitude, belief, confidence, imaginations of the future, ability to adapt, willingness to develop and grow. It was possibly a good idea to take Hang here, even though it was the least pleasurable stay so far the first days of our trip were concerned. I wanted to show her everything, but she appreciated it little. I needed to make all choices. It made me angry and we had also a clash over all of it.

The Rip Curl Pro Surf Conest 2012 at Padang Padang Beach

the beach and reef viewed from the bridge over a small gorge

motorbike rockers in Bali

surfers on a path connecting the beach with the street

Once I had asked for a little too much then this ended in a disaster, e.g. when I asked her to come out of the Puputan Monument for a moment in order to see the surroundings first, before people would close the door, instead of going for her question regarding an exhibit immediately, that was already too much and spoilt the next 1.5 hours. She ran away, let me go look for her, gives aggressive replies, humiliates me, puts me in a situation where I have to run behind her like an idiot, because she would not even know the name of the town we are staying in, the name of our hotel and have not a single dollar in her pocket. She would run directly into the worst of the worst of people living on this island, and drive me into worries and craziness. Such situations show, that she is far, far away from the minimum requirements that I have towards a partner. Trust was always the big issue. Especially missing trust on my side. However, understanding about the fact that trust is hard to rebuild after it has systematically been destroyed over years was always out of much question. Her mind works in such simple ways. And this day again, is just one more reason to hinder my trust in redeveloping. It is much related to the issue of reliability. It is impossible to rely on her. Disaster is always so near. It makes me deeply sad, and I have no idea how to create a better life for her. Often then I believe I cannot do this without sacrificing my own bliss. And I am not ready to do this. So I will have to take my own directions and leave her behind, fearing that she will fall into her old routines. It needs a big love to get away from the problems that she had, a friend and expert on the issue told me, and at least for that, our love has probably so far been big enough. But how would life without me continue for her? Back to where it was before? With even more disappointment on her side? Believing on her side that there is no reliability at all in life? It makes me sad because I really believe, or am afraid, that there will be no one else willing to invest as much into her as I did, that she will have difficulties finding someone really good, with the money to take care for her, with a bit of real love possibly, something like that what we had over the many years, so much or at least so little understanding, and better, more of all of it.

Padang Padang seen from the reef

Padang Padang cliffs with luxury houses

Also how would I cope? I believe to have found one of the most "real" persons on earth with her. And all the years glued us together, and have been a great path of discovery. I somehow believe that we have already been the best possible partners for each other, having it made 8 years together with very little partnership affinities on both sides but much dependency on and affection for each other. I have learnt so much, and maybe she has. But still it seems that there is so little advancement. She does not want to meet my friends. My friends would be mine, her friends hers - she has none at all. And in such separation, how can one built a "normal" life. And normality is all that I am looking for after years of chaos and not having and not living it and not building closer relationships to friends that I do have around the world, investing my time and money in travel and my passions and possibly also in looking for a more suitable partner and my own future.

I am just afraid of the misery in that she will end up without any hold. I can further support her, but with even less perspective than the little perspective she had so far, I know that disaster is imminent. But I also know that it could sooner or later be the case anyhow, also if we stayed together. Reframing our togetherness into another environment was quite a good experiment. As I will for several reasons not be staying in Vietnam, this would be one of the future scenarios. Traveling together maybe give hints on whether people can stand life together. And it seems we are having difficulties, at least do not fully enjoy, or end up in occasional quarrels and daily disagreements, showing deep gaps. I saved her life twice, she said, but somehow I feel not much thankfulness for it. Maybe she just isn't able. Or anyhow, because she died already before she died. Now it is time letting not further affect this on me, I thought first, but then I also saw a positive notion in it. This is actually what one needs to do in order to advance on the path to mindfulness. And it is just my egoistic expectations that are not allowing her so. Togetherness she has never learnt I thought, and this is what I would be looking for in a relationship - otherwise I am better without it and with freedom instead. Maybe another partner would indeed fit more. Someone who is intellectually on my level, western-socialized, shares the similar hobbies or interests and is possibly financially independent. Also she often proposes this from her side. The task will be to find a way how to further support her. Not living partly like a divorced couple anymore, but really like a divorced couple I thought, as this is not the way I want to live my life.

Three portraits of Thuy Hang at Padang Padang exploring the ocean

the lefthander at Padang Padang surf break upon low tide

But then again there have also been many moments which were quite relaxed. She has also made efforts to explain to me, despite our language barriers, and the totally different backgrounds that we (not) share, what her perspective on all these issues, the relationship and the way I behave is. It was now maybe for the first time for me to understand what my teacher Phuong had meant years ago, not to present to high challenges for her. I was always wondering why she was not even able to fulfill the minimum requirements that one has towards not even a partner but simply a person. However maybe, I was leaving her often too little of choices. I was always controlling her, and now that things are better, keep on doing so. She had so often tried, but due to my inability to let go, failed in explaining to me, that I am not responsible for her but simply have to live my own life and not care so much about hers, and, also let her life her own life instead of having too many expectations on my side. Often enough I was not fair. And changing all that does not mean that we need to leave each other; but it simply means that not only she was convinced that I needed to gain space for personal development back, but she herself needed the same too. The establishment of new trust needed to be built, from both sides; a huge challenge and a time-consuming job. We would possibly find that trust back in a certain amount of freedom we would need to leave each other. Trust builds trust. It is simple as that. So now we concluded that both we have to advance further on out own ways, and this can be done still with supporting each other, still without going entirely separate ways. She is much stronger than me in this, and in fact trying to make me understand that teachings that I have been reading before, simple tings on the way to a more mindful state of (non)consciousness: such as for example acceptance. Now it is possibly my turn to learn to let go, learn to accept, and be happy with what we have and with all that we can still reach once we start being happy and satisfied, and skip our worries. A surf trip, taking time to write on a book instead of making immediate money, and a new degree, does not need to mean  that we need to leave each other behind nor that we will be starving soon. We can stay in touch, support each other, we can meet, can move together or apart, can change directions at any given moments. We would possibly find new inspiration, and new opportunities, live possibly better than before. Instead, we, or I, as a typical Germany, live in constant fear, and being happy do not dare to become even happier, because I am afraid of loosing what I do already have. Sometimes we fail to see how far we got actually, and that there is no reason to be worried, but instead rest assured that we will continue to achieve the things that we long for. Hang is often saying this out of different motifs, also out of fear, and lacking self esteem. But the way she proposes now seems to me to be the right one, and there aren't many people on the world who would leave each other so much freedom out of appreciation for another. I feel much understood now, and I am understanding better now.

The Puputan Monument with museum and observation deck

Sugar in the supermarket upon our exploration of what's on offer in the country

Another sunset at Kuta Beach

The Discovery Mall on the way down the beach to Tuban

Dawn Patrol - leaving with Mr. Kadek, the owner of the Komala, to the airport early morning for our departure flight

In that conclusion, we stayed the rest of our days in peace and enjoyed the beauty of the place and the moments we were allowed to have. Nothing much we did. We visited the Rip Curl Pro Cup 2012 at Padang Padang Bay to find out that it was not taking place that day for reasons of bad wave quality. We hang out at our beach inn in Kuta, where for the first time we occupied one of the new more expensive rooms on the first floor. Every morning we had our ginseng coffee in the beach and some simple food from the hawkers and shops around. We went to Puputan Square in Denpasar for a second time in order to reconcile our peace. We drove to Seminyak to see the expensive shop windows and to have a posh Italian dinner at the Tratttoria. We had sun baths and got a tan. We went shopping at factory outlets. I surfed very few waves but great ones, and got the idea of a 2 months surf trip, of getting fit and using the time in order to get re-directed again. We exchanged on the local people and the culture, tried new and different foods, explored the surroundings on foot, had a night out at the Bounty Ship and the Apache reggae bar, had coffee and ice cream at the Circle K near the beach, sat around met some friends sometimes, just lived, in a strange mode as if the place was not really something new (which was the case for me) and as if there was nothing much to miss out. On your last evening we received the gift of just one more of the most stunning sunsets. After all, it was a very relaxed holiday and it had the effects that a holiday needs to have and even more than that. I enjoyed it much. She's not mine and I am not hers, but we will just share and do our best. We came home and went our ways. We are in touch as always, and it's good.

the butterfly garden at Changi Airport with a grub box in display

I always liked to see her eating

I am working now more intensively on the plans. The job in Bali had turned out to be not available and thus a disappointment, but I have decided to move on (upwards) and move southwards in any way. There will be great changes and I am scared of it. But I know that I will need to take risks. That the security I believe to have is just a projection and that it does not bring me anywhere in the long run. I am already on my short trip to visit my parents in Germany that I am finishing this post, and will post on Germany in short.